finals week "fun" facts

as i sit here, at my desk, at 1:15 am, i know i should be either studying or sleeping. but due to a sugar high compounded with complete brain fog, i find myself unable to do either. so i decided to blog. because i know your all ever so interested, i thought i'd give you some "fun" finals week facts:

- having a natural disaster cancel finals during the spring of your freshman year makes it ever so hard to take finals in the fall. you live in denial, and the constant glance out your window for a tornado or snowstorm. another snow week anyone?

- over the last 5 days i have spent approximately 35 hours studying, 3 hours taking exams, 6 hours working, and 4 hours cleaning. oh and next to no time sleeping.

- i can't remember the last healthy thing i ate. banana maybe? i have had more cookies, caffeine, and candy than i'd rather admit. there comes a time, during finals week, where you eat when it fits in your schedule, not because your hungry or have anything healthy to eat. junk food is so much more portable than salad.

- it really sucks to study for 12 hours for one final, and then get there and find everything you studied wasn't on the test and everything you didn't study was. no bueno.

- education classes are the best ever! they are like a ray of sunshine in the midst of the dark cloud of CORE classes...

- i am 3/8 of the way done with college, and that scares the crap out of me. really not cool with being a junior. no thanks.

- i love covenant and would never want to be anywhere else studying my brains out and taking finals, but right about now i am in desperate need of a 3 month vacation from covcov.

random thoughts/facts from my very tired and foggy brain. your prayers for the rest of this week to hurry up and end would be most appreciated!

falling prey to idols.

i never noticed before how much i create idols in my life. i used to think that was a sin i would never fall into. i don't have silver statues of gods in my room that i bow to every day. so how could i commit the sin of idolatry? it's because i make things more important than God. simple as that.

we started a new series in RUF this month on the topic of Hosea, and boy has it hit home. the whole first lesson was about learning to lay down idols. here's a few thoughts:
- the church is the bride of christ. he is jealous for the church, like a husband for a wife.
- satan uses other desires to seduce us away from God's love.
- we have rejected the husband who loves us, yet he still pursues us.

the idols in my life are huge. i obsess over them. i long for them. i wait for them to fulfill me, when deep down i know they won't. its so humbling to think that God loves me even though i pursue someone else's love above His. wow.

some questions i have been pondering:
- what tempts me to look for another lover? what distracts me from his love?
- what is my god? what is my idol?

i fail every day. but He still loves me and gives me the strength to learn from my mistakes and look to Him for my love. so hard, but so necessary.

thoughts.

this semester has gotten off to an insanely hectic start. some random thoughts:

1. God is never more real or more evident to me, than when i hit rock bottom.

2. I can do nothing without him.

3. Being a sophomore is 100,000,000,000 times better than being a freshman.

4. I love Covenant, but sometimes I wish I wasn't here. God is using my time here to grow me, and growing pains hurt.

5. Running from your problems - never a good idea.

6. Busyness is not always healthy - but its super hard to escape that trap in college.

7. I am not ready to be a senior. I would be content to be a sophomore forever.

8. I'm still not sure if i want to be a teacher. Not even sure I would be any good at it.

9. I am super excited for Fall break.

10. I find it slightly frightening that the semester is already a quarter of the way over. SCARY.

to be continued..sometime in the future, when i maybe have time.

ends and beginnings.

the summer is definitely over. this is obvious from the piles of books and the long to-do lists that are sitting on my desk. however, as this summer has come to a close, i have been able to think back on it, and realize just how much god taught me this summer.

a few lessons i have learned:
1. what i desire and/or think is best for my life, is not always god's plan. and his plan is best.
2. working with difficult people is....difficult! but god provides the grace to get through it.
3. all of the very difficult circumstances that happened this summer were in the will of god. he ordained them, and to him be the praise forever.
4. friendships are difficult, and take time! they require me to put aside all pettiness, selfishness, jealousy, and anger and put others first. friendships require that you become selfless.
5. pursuing godliness is hard. i will always mess up.
6. personal baggage leads to permanent damage if not dealt with. burying feelings doesnt help anyone and only hurts me.
7. teaching is HARD! but it is humbling, as the children prove to be better teachers than i will ever be.

as i begin my sophmore year, i want it to be drastically different than last year. i want to grow - in christ, in friendships, in godliness, and in maturity. i want to learn to lean on god and to not make marriage or any other relationships an idol in my life. i want to learn to wait on god as he molds me into the christian woman i am supposed to be. none of this will be easy, it will be painful, but god uses pain to mold and shape us.

**i would appreciate your prayers for this semester,financially, emotionally, and physically - especially since my migraines have gotten much worse since being back at school.

a generation that seeks.

it really annoys me when i hear old people (and not so old people) talk about how my generation and the generation after me are so un-christian and lack all morals. yes, i do realize our world has changed drastically since the 1950's and 60's, and yes, ungodly acts are considered normal. BUT what bothers me is that these older people fail to acknowledge the high school and college students of 2011 that love the Lord with all their hearts. comments such as "its impossible to find a moral teenager" or "this next generation has no standards" annoy me beyond no end. in the past year, i have met some of the most godly, moral college students, who find their freedom in Christ. they do not feel the need to hold true to a list of dos and donts, but rather live their lives to the glory of God. maybe we do some things different. we like louder music, we like a different style of preaching, we dont find interest or contentment in a focus on theology, but rather we are concerned about the state of our hearts.

on two very different mountains, in two far away states, i have met and been encouraged by some of the most godly and God fearing college students. some of them have a better grasp of the christian walk than some older people i know, will ever have. today, upstanding christian college students, might be the exception rather than the rule, but what the older christians fail to realize, is there are more exceptions than they can ever see or know.

so rather than focus on what the older generations of christians think i and others like me should be doing, i prefer to focus on my savior and and what HE thinks.

"man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

pop quiz?

what if life was like a pop quiz? what if you had to live every day in anticipation, much like a student in school, never knowing when the quiz was or what it was on? you would have to be prepared for everything, all the time.

that is how i feel my life is right now. its as though i go to class, and all of a sudden, pop quiz on patience, or gentleness, or some other virtue i dont have, but desperately need and want. would i pass? absolutely not. god has been giving me mini pop quizzes on life challenges all summer, and i have been failing, time and time again. the problem is, i realize my mistakes, but can't seem to figure out how to change them. there are days when i think i am doing so good, and then god comes along and reveals all my faults and insecurities. its like i tell my little kindergartners "our heart is dirty and sinful. the only thing that can make it white again is the blood of jesus."

hoping and praying for his blood to wash over my sinful heart, and for the ability to pass some of the pop quizzes He keeps sending my way.

if you were given a pop quiz today, would you pass?

changing it up.

i have decided my blog needs a change. when i started my blog over a year ago (what?!?) it was meant to record my journey through my first year of college. well that year is over, and this summer has been challenging, and already over the past few months, my blog has centered around the things i am feeling and thinking, and more specifically God.

i have decided to rename my blog "living a life of desire." this name was inspired by a book i am reading right now, by John Piper, called "when i don't desire god: how to fight for joy." i have constantly struggled with finding joy in my relationship with him. it seems that no matter how good i seem to be doing, something always springs up to distract me from Him. I know this is the work of satan, but I don't feel capable to fight him off. as I search and seek, i pray He will make himself known to me. already, he has used multiple events of my summer, to confirm the fact that he is present and active in my life. NEVER has he forsaken me, even through the numerous times I have forsaken him. and for that i am grateful.

i have decided to blog more regularly, and to share with you the ups and downs, the trials, and the failures of my christian walk. god has given me a story, so that i might share it. he never meant for us to keep our testimonies of his love to ourselves. i pray that my blog might be a blessing in someones life. and may the repeating theme of my life be the faithfulness of christ. to him be the glory, forever.

as if it were your last.

i've often heard the phrase "live each day as though it were your last" i used to think that was an incredibly stupid phrase. to me, it was unrealistic. but lately the i've been thinking - what if today was my last? what if i went to sleep and never woke up?

that phrase, has more to do with attitude than with action. before when i would hear someone say something like that, i would think "okay, if today were my last day, i would want to do A, B, and C" but what i am discovering is that its not about what i need to do, but rather what i am doing now. deep down, i know that if today was my last, i would not hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant" in heaven.

some of the events of the last month have caused me to think carefully about how i live my life. i can see that god is using these tragic and shocking things to get me attention. my heart is more open to his will in my life, than it has ever been.

i used to be a pessimist - one who only saw the bad in every circumstance. but lately i've been learning that there is good in everything. god allows hurtful things to happen so that he may be glorified. and sometimes we may never see that. but sometimes we will, and it is an encouragement to keep living, and to keep trusting.

are you living each day longing to hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant?"

calling?

To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power.

at covenant, we talk a lot about calling. our "big c" and "little c" callings and how to best utilize the callings god has given to us. but, lately i have been thinking - what is my calling? i know i am called to be a student. i am a daughter, sister, aunt. but what is my higher calling? sometimes i think "if only i was married, if only i was a mother, if only i was a teacher.." but if onlys dont get me anywhere and neither does ignoring my present calling. its hard for me to see. i dont see my life as having a big impact on others. i often think i've failed somehow. but then i realize that i dont need an audience to make me feel worthy. the only one who can do that is god. he hasnt given up on me. my life is a gigantic work in progress, but slowly i am able to imagine the finished product. i just pray that "he who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it."

unexpected.

never in a million years did i envision my freshman year coming to the end that it did. tornadoes, no water or power, emergency evacuations, and canceled finals. it has been really crazy and confusing as we had 24 hours to pack and get off campus. because it all happened so fast there was no time to prepare to leave and no goodbyes. it seems hard to believe that i will be gone from covenant for almost four months!

as all this unfolded, i was reminded of the verses in james that tells us we are not even guaranteed tomorrow. we make plans for tomorrow, next week, and even next month, but no one knows if they will be alive tomorrow. as i sat in the basement hiding from tornadoes and as i surveyed the damage that was done to the surrounding area, i am 1. grateful to God that i am still alive and 2. in total awe of His power and control.

please continue to pray for the people of Chattanooga and the surrounding area as they try to piece their lives back together.

the end.

its the end..of freshman year, that is. i cannot believe it is over. this year went by in a flash. thinking back to orientation week and first semester i can see how much i have changed, grown, and learned. covenant has been the biggest blessing in my life.

academically this year has been challenging. last semster was pretty easy, but this semester has been especially difficult. i have played catch up, due to my less than amazing high school education. i have failed tests and come really close to failing a class. and for a straight A high school student, this broke down my pride. but i have learned so much through failing, things that will make me a better person and a better teacher.

financially, this semester has been rough. BUT God has been so faithful to me. I have seen him answer prayer after prayer in ways i could not even imagine. by next week, my school bill will be paid IN FULL with a little left over for next semester. i remember thinking during christmas break, that it wasn't possible. i couldn't understand how my bill would be paid. but Christ has done more than i could have imagined or asked for. He provided me with a summer job that i am super excited about! and even though i had a few disappointments along the way, i realize that his plan is best for me, and not always what I want.

relationally, this has also been a hard year. especially combined with my many health problems this year, i have struggled in relationships with others. but at the close of this year, i am so thankful for the many friends i have made at covenant and their support and prayer for my life. i have definitely learned to "bear one anothers burdens."in fact, i am really sad to be leaving this mountain for three months. i will miss the atmosphere and the people here very much over the summer.

this year has been overwhelming and exhausting. but i am so thankful for it. i have faced trials, but have come out of the fire a stronger and wiser person. the trials are not up. this summer is going to be challenging. i am still struggling to find my identity in Christ. my health is still trying. financially i cannot afford next semester. and academically, i am worried about my GPA. BUT none of these things really matter in the long run. Christ has shed his blood for me and redeemed me. So during this passion week, and the close of my freshman year, i continue to pray that "He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it."

i have no idea what the future will hold. whether i will return to covenant, whether i will ever actually be a teacher, whether i will ever have a family. i hate uncertainty. but i am learning that no one knows what tomorrow holds. we are not guaranteed tomorrow! i am slowly learning to put my life and every aspect of life in His hands, trusting that he knows my future and will direct my paths accordingly.
"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your paths. "

100 thanks.

often times when i am discouraged or depressed i allow those feelings to overtake me. however, lately i have been convicted of not giving thanks enough. i am so blessed, and no matter what my troubles, i have so much to be thankful for. my sister is reading a book called 1,000 gifts. coming up with 1,000 things i am thankful for seemed a bit daunting. so i am challenging myself to make a list of 100 things i am thankful for. once i compile my list, i will share it. why dont you take the challenge and write out 100 things you are thankful for. i would love it if you shared with me your list. even breath is a gift from God - even when those breaths are weighed down with anxiety and pain. even pain is a gift, for it teaches us more about ourselves, and more about others. 100 thanks.

why.

sometimes i wonder why. my list of why's could go on and on and on and on some more. sometimes i know the answer to why questions...even just why is life so hard? we all "know" the answer, but do we really know? lots of times we try to appease all our why questions with empty meaningless answers that really doesnt make any one feel better at the end of the day. sometimes i feel like i am living a meaningless life. why am i here? what is my purpose? am i really going to do anything worth it in this life? i "know" the answer to these questions, but my heart does NOT know. sometimes it all seems so pointless. i try to understand, but i cant. i turn to god, but still lack fulfillment. i try to be thankful for the many blessings in my life...but i cant find the words. and all i am left with, at the end of the day, is why?

regrets?

do you have any regrets? anything you desperately wish you could go back and change. i sure do. sometimes it is as simple as words i speak, while other times it is actions or important decisions made. while still struggling as to whether or not staying here this semester is beneficial for me and my health, i wonder about regrets. if i left here, would i regret it? some things can never be changed. i cant go back to high school and change things, and i wont be able to reverse any decisions i make about my life right now.

if god is omniscient and omnipresent and if he holds my life in his hands, why should i have regrets? if he has placed me in the right place at the right time, why am i plagued with the thoughts i made the wrong decision?

sometimes i realize just how much evil is present in my life. i am learning to recognize satan's deceptions. but just because i know they are there, doesnt mean i can easily ignore them. i know satan wants me to second guess everything i do, everything i say. he wants me to regret decisions in the past and allow that to take hold of me. but i dont want to let him. letting go of all your past mistakes, regrets, and hurts takes a long time and a lot of work. and satan will try everything he can to stop me from letting go of it all; slowly letting go of regrets is a lot easier said than done. but greater is HE who is in me, than he who is in the world.

be still.

this semester, and particularly this week, have been rough. a lot is going on in my life, and sometimes i feel like it is out of control. so today, i decided to go on a walk on one of the trails, by myself, and think and pray about everything. it was the perfect weather for a walk, but i did not want to be alone with my thoughts. i tried everything i could to distract myself, but eventually had to face them. i sat and talked to God and everything was quiet. the only noises were from the wind and the stream. it was still. right after coming back, i found out that one of the things i had prayed for had been answered. it was so awesome to be reminded that God does answer prayer. but sometimes he asks us to wait.

be still and know that He is God.

very very blessed.

i am beyond blessed to be at covenant. i am beyond blessed that covenant even exists. this week has made me realize how much i love and appreciate EVERYONE who sustains this college, their mission, and my learning. i will never have a chance quite like this one, ever again. a chance to learn, and be taught. a chance to make life mistakes and learn from them. a chance to love and be loved. and most importantly, a chance to see myself as a true daughter of God.

covenant is by no means perfect. i have seen many of the imperfections. but God is blessing the work of his people who are diligently serving him, here on this small mountain in georgia. i spend too much time sitting around wondering what will happen if i cannot come back next year. but instead of wasting my time worrying, i am learning to live in the present and enjoy the time God has blessed me with, here in this amazing place.

this semester has had an especially rough start, but i am so happy here. i am so thankful for everyone who is a part of my life - my friends, my professors, the administrators here - they are who make my covenant experience. i am so thankful and will never forget this experience for the rest of my life.

convictions.

i have been feeling really convicted lately. as i have read through the book of john, words just keep jumping out at me. i feel as though God is speaking to my heart directly. its the weirdest feeling. i just thought i would share some of my thoughts with you.

- the first thing john does is to declare to the world that christ made everything. he sustains life. i often forget this, i think i can do it all on my own, but i cant. "without him was not even one thing made"
- we are his children.
-jesus cares for everyone. he loved those that were unlovable. he cared for those who were outcasts. how often do i stop to remember that those people i find weird or strange are made in god's image, and they too are his children? not often.
- we often tend to accuse and call out others about their sin. but how often do we stop and analyze our own? "let any one who is without sin, throw the first stone."
-jesus allows us to go through trials and temptations and pain in order for his glory to be manifest. i am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my physical pain is a tool in proclaiming the love of christ through me. it is a difficult thing to think about. it requires me to not be selfish and to think of others who are going through more pain than i am. i am not that bad off. i need to learn to "do everything without grumbling or complaining, so that i might become a child of god, blameless and true."
-i need to learn how to love. loving someone does not mean getting my own way, but putting their interests in front of my own. this is SO hard! we are selfish human beings, me especially. but loving, means being a servant and "washing their feet." it means loving others as Christ has loved me. by this may all men know i am HIS disciple.

well, thats a mouthful, but its what has been happening in my heart. none of this is easy, but each day brings new challenges and joys. its about dying to myself and allowing christ to perfect me.

so on this day of prayer, my hearts prayer is a familiar one:
"The Lord is my shepherd, i will not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads my beside cool waters, he restores my soul. he leads me in paths of righteousness for his namesake. even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil. for you are with me. your rod and staff comfort me. you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil, and my cup overflows. surely goodness and mercy will follow all the days of my life and i dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen.

winter night.

currently, my life is like a winters night. darkness engulfs me, but there is light. it may be distant and seem so far away, but its really a lot closer than it looks. it only takes 20 minutes to get to Chattanooga from lookout mountain, but it sure seems a lot longer when looking at it from up here.
i have so many ambitions, hopes, and dreams, but it seems like i will never get there. but the more i look at it closely, the more i see that i am simply on the road that is taking me there, and it is closer than i think. i dont know that i will ever be able to succeed in everything i want to do. i only hope to hear him say "well done, good and faithful servant."

"even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me."

being real.

normally i tend to mask my feelings, hold them all inside, and not talk to anyone. i put on a happy face even when the days are tough. but i am slowly realizing that i need to be real with people. i need to share what is going on in my life. so here it goes.

i am thinking about dropping out of college. my health has come to the point where i am not even awake to listen in class. my eyesight is wacked out and my migraines going nuts. and i have had the worst bout of depression i have ever had. i am so sad because this is really where i thought i was supposed to be, but things keep getting in my way - finances, health. yes, i know god can provide and cares for me, but right now i am struggling with the day-to-day. i need your prayers, big time. this decision could affect me for the rest of my life. i am seeking counsel and waiting on my MRI results. but please be praying in the meantime. if i need to go home, that i will have the patience, and if i stay here that i will have the strength.

decisions.

have you ever been faced with a decision that could benefit one aspect of your life, while harming another? and if you didn't make the right decision, the result could be flip-flopped? its difficult to know whether or not one aspect of my life is more important than another. when faced with a decision that could affect me for the rest of my life...i panic. i am afraid that i might make the wrong decision and mess up my future. just trying to remember that God "knows the plans" He has for me.

fruit of the spirit.

since the beginning of the year, i have been convicted by how much i do not emulate the fruits of the spirit in my life. i came to realize that i would never be a good friend if i didnt learn to love like christ, i would never be a good teacher if i wasnt "patient with everyone", and i would never survive the day-to-day without joy. i decided to make it a new years "challenge." i hope and pray that christ will move me towards a purer and closer walk with him.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law.

love: love one another as i have loved you. - john 13:34
joy: count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of many kinds. - james 1:2
peace: and the peace of God which surpasses ALL understanding will guard you heart and mind in Christ Jesus. - phillipians 4:7
patience: and we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. - 1 thessalonians 5:14
kindness: be kind one to another, encouraging one another, even as God for Christ sake has forgiven you. - ephesians 4:32
goodness: taste and see that the Lord is good. - psalm 34:8
self-control: prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace given to you through Christ Jesus. - 1 peter 1:13
faithfulness: . . . His mercies have no limit. they are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. - lamentations 3:23
gentleness: to speak evil of no one. . . to be gentle and to show perfect courtesy of all people. - titus 3:2

will you take the challenge?

staying!!!

guess what everyone?? i am staying at covenant for this semester!! i am so excited. i still can't pay my bill, but faith wouldn't be faith if i had all the answers. i have come to the realization the last few days that christ is using this journey to create in me a more patient, loving, and caring women who loves him. its a struggle...and far from easy, but i trust in the creator of all who can do "exceedingly more than we ask or could even IMAGINE." thanks for the prayers, and please continue to pray that he would provide.

"In this my freedom, I am, at least able to say to myself...My Lord is not limited; He can supply...And thus this way of living, as far from leading to anxiety, as regards possible future want, is rather the means of keeping from it...This way of living has often been the means of receiving the work of grace in my heart...and a fresh answer to prayer obtained in this way has been the means of quickening my soul and filling me with much joy." - George Muller

healing.

I cried unto the Lord, and he healed me.

the last few years i have looked to this verse as hope. my pain has increased and my frustration with medicines and doctors continue. i continually read this verse over and over praying god would hear my cry. but he hasnt answered. when i came to college, my hope was to live my life normally and not allow my health to get in the way. it hasnt worked out too well. i find myself constantly tired, run down, and without the energy needed to get through the day. i praise god for his sustaing me last semester and helping me pass all my classes. i was hoping things would get better after christmas, but they didnt. its like the saying "when you think it cant get any worse, it does."

my current struggle right now is learning to sleep without medicine. i spent 3/4 of the night last night laying awake in bed trying to force myself to sleep. along with that i struggle with my eyesight, as recent "blinding" episodes have scared the crap out of me.

more than anything, i wonder if i will ever be free from this pain. will i live the rest of my life like this? i have wondered why god has allowed it, why me? is he trying to teach me something? if so, what? i am truly grateful he has brought me this far, and i know there are so many people out there who are in way more pain than i am. but when its you and your in the moment, its hard to remember those things.

broken.

i leave for college in four days, and i don't have the money i need. i have tried to trust God but this is breaking me. living one day at a time has been the hardest thing. i cant see further than 1 minute from now. god wouldnt make me come home, would he? i do not want to resort to the person i was. i've changed for the better, and think covenant is partly the reason for that. i just wish i could understand, but i cant. i've run out of words, thoughts, and what more can anyone say? yes i need to trust him, yes he can provide...but will he? that is what frightens me the most. that god might say no.