being real.

normally i tend to mask my feelings, hold them all inside, and not talk to anyone. i put on a happy face even when the days are tough. but i am slowly realizing that i need to be real with people. i need to share what is going on in my life. so here it goes.

i am thinking about dropping out of college. my health has come to the point where i am not even awake to listen in class. my eyesight is wacked out and my migraines going nuts. and i have had the worst bout of depression i have ever had. i am so sad because this is really where i thought i was supposed to be, but things keep getting in my way - finances, health. yes, i know god can provide and cares for me, but right now i am struggling with the day-to-day. i need your prayers, big time. this decision could affect me for the rest of my life. i am seeking counsel and waiting on my MRI results. but please be praying in the meantime. if i need to go home, that i will have the patience, and if i stay here that i will have the strength.

decisions.

have you ever been faced with a decision that could benefit one aspect of your life, while harming another? and if you didn't make the right decision, the result could be flip-flopped? its difficult to know whether or not one aspect of my life is more important than another. when faced with a decision that could affect me for the rest of my life...i panic. i am afraid that i might make the wrong decision and mess up my future. just trying to remember that God "knows the plans" He has for me.

fruit of the spirit.

since the beginning of the year, i have been convicted by how much i do not emulate the fruits of the spirit in my life. i came to realize that i would never be a good friend if i didnt learn to love like christ, i would never be a good teacher if i wasnt "patient with everyone", and i would never survive the day-to-day without joy. i decided to make it a new years "challenge." i hope and pray that christ will move me towards a purer and closer walk with him.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law.

love: love one another as i have loved you. - john 13:34
joy: count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of many kinds. - james 1:2
peace: and the peace of God which surpasses ALL understanding will guard you heart and mind in Christ Jesus. - phillipians 4:7
patience: and we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. - 1 thessalonians 5:14
kindness: be kind one to another, encouraging one another, even as God for Christ sake has forgiven you. - ephesians 4:32
goodness: taste and see that the Lord is good. - psalm 34:8
self-control: prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace given to you through Christ Jesus. - 1 peter 1:13
faithfulness: . . . His mercies have no limit. they are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. - lamentations 3:23
gentleness: to speak evil of no one. . . to be gentle and to show perfect courtesy of all people. - titus 3:2

will you take the challenge?

staying!!!

guess what everyone?? i am staying at covenant for this semester!! i am so excited. i still can't pay my bill, but faith wouldn't be faith if i had all the answers. i have come to the realization the last few days that christ is using this journey to create in me a more patient, loving, and caring women who loves him. its a struggle...and far from easy, but i trust in the creator of all who can do "exceedingly more than we ask or could even IMAGINE." thanks for the prayers, and please continue to pray that he would provide.

"In this my freedom, I am, at least able to say to myself...My Lord is not limited; He can supply...And thus this way of living, as far from leading to anxiety, as regards possible future want, is rather the means of keeping from it...This way of living has often been the means of receiving the work of grace in my heart...and a fresh answer to prayer obtained in this way has been the means of quickening my soul and filling me with much joy." - George Muller

healing.

I cried unto the Lord, and he healed me.

the last few years i have looked to this verse as hope. my pain has increased and my frustration with medicines and doctors continue. i continually read this verse over and over praying god would hear my cry. but he hasnt answered. when i came to college, my hope was to live my life normally and not allow my health to get in the way. it hasnt worked out too well. i find myself constantly tired, run down, and without the energy needed to get through the day. i praise god for his sustaing me last semester and helping me pass all my classes. i was hoping things would get better after christmas, but they didnt. its like the saying "when you think it cant get any worse, it does."

my current struggle right now is learning to sleep without medicine. i spent 3/4 of the night last night laying awake in bed trying to force myself to sleep. along with that i struggle with my eyesight, as recent "blinding" episodes have scared the crap out of me.

more than anything, i wonder if i will ever be free from this pain. will i live the rest of my life like this? i have wondered why god has allowed it, why me? is he trying to teach me something? if so, what? i am truly grateful he has brought me this far, and i know there are so many people out there who are in way more pain than i am. but when its you and your in the moment, its hard to remember those things.

broken.

i leave for college in four days, and i don't have the money i need. i have tried to trust God but this is breaking me. living one day at a time has been the hardest thing. i cant see further than 1 minute from now. god wouldnt make me come home, would he? i do not want to resort to the person i was. i've changed for the better, and think covenant is partly the reason for that. i just wish i could understand, but i cant. i've run out of words, thoughts, and what more can anyone say? yes i need to trust him, yes he can provide...but will he? that is what frightens me the most. that god might say no.