discouraged.

this christmas season has been discouraging, to say the least. my semester at covenant was awesome, but i was not looking forward to coming home. first, because i was not sure if i would be back, and second because i remembered life at home, and was dreading it. coming home i realized not much has changed. its depressing and lonely here...its like a spiritual hell. i came back and quickly resorted to being the person i was before i had left - and i hated myself for it. i came home for christmas mainly to work. i thought i would have the chance to make some money, and perhaps it would provide me a way to return to covenant. they began to call me and ask me if i could work, right away. i was happy. but then the calls stopped coming and they resorted to scheduling me one day a week. not only is this depressing becuase i dont have the chance to make money, but it is also discouraging to sit around the house all day. i have cabin fever, and that is not a good thing.

two months ago when i thought about next semester, i just told myself not to worry about tomorrow. but when tomorrow becomes today and reality sets in, i start to worry. what if i have to come back here and live at home? i dont think i have the patience for that. i am going crazy during a 3 week break. i know god wont give me any more than i can handle, but that seems impossible. i've needed covenant and the changes it has brought me. god won't take that away from me, will he?

i am getting awfully tired of hearing how god can provide and he knows everything. i know in my heart that this is true, but when you try to live it out its not as easy as all that. i tire of the sermons that often follow my comments about next semester. i DO pray and i DO let my requests be known to him..but is he listening to me???? i almost feel as if he is keeping me from working as if to say "you dont believe in me and are trying to do this yourself." it makes me feel helpless. i am helpless. i cannot do anything about next semester...all i can do is wait. my patience and nerves are frayed and i wonder if God will come through for me. it has discouraged me.

i rarely struggle with depression, but thanks to my medicine it has lately been a huge struggle of mine. not only am i struggling with my future, i also wonder why god has allowed me to be in pain for so long. this christmas season marks 8 years of my fight with pain, doctors, and medicine. i am tired, i am weary. i want it to all be over. but its not that easy. every problem needs a medication, every medication has a side effect, every side effect has a long term result. there are days i wake up and think "i just cant do this today." but i do. god has been gracious in giving me strength, but i just want to be done..i want the pain gone.

i wish i could understand his plan for my life...i wish i could see into the future. but i can't. the only surety i have in life is the rising and setting of the sun.

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

Pray for me as continue on this journey.