discouraged.

this christmas season has been discouraging, to say the least. my semester at covenant was awesome, but i was not looking forward to coming home. first, because i was not sure if i would be back, and second because i remembered life at home, and was dreading it. coming home i realized not much has changed. its depressing and lonely here...its like a spiritual hell. i came back and quickly resorted to being the person i was before i had left - and i hated myself for it. i came home for christmas mainly to work. i thought i would have the chance to make some money, and perhaps it would provide me a way to return to covenant. they began to call me and ask me if i could work, right away. i was happy. but then the calls stopped coming and they resorted to scheduling me one day a week. not only is this depressing becuase i dont have the chance to make money, but it is also discouraging to sit around the house all day. i have cabin fever, and that is not a good thing.

two months ago when i thought about next semester, i just told myself not to worry about tomorrow. but when tomorrow becomes today and reality sets in, i start to worry. what if i have to come back here and live at home? i dont think i have the patience for that. i am going crazy during a 3 week break. i know god wont give me any more than i can handle, but that seems impossible. i've needed covenant and the changes it has brought me. god won't take that away from me, will he?

i am getting awfully tired of hearing how god can provide and he knows everything. i know in my heart that this is true, but when you try to live it out its not as easy as all that. i tire of the sermons that often follow my comments about next semester. i DO pray and i DO let my requests be known to him..but is he listening to me???? i almost feel as if he is keeping me from working as if to say "you dont believe in me and are trying to do this yourself." it makes me feel helpless. i am helpless. i cannot do anything about next semester...all i can do is wait. my patience and nerves are frayed and i wonder if God will come through for me. it has discouraged me.

i rarely struggle with depression, but thanks to my medicine it has lately been a huge struggle of mine. not only am i struggling with my future, i also wonder why god has allowed me to be in pain for so long. this christmas season marks 8 years of my fight with pain, doctors, and medicine. i am tired, i am weary. i want it to all be over. but its not that easy. every problem needs a medication, every medication has a side effect, every side effect has a long term result. there are days i wake up and think "i just cant do this today." but i do. god has been gracious in giving me strength, but i just want to be done..i want the pain gone.

i wish i could understand his plan for my life...i wish i could see into the future. but i can't. the only surety i have in life is the rising and setting of the sun.

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

Pray for me as continue on this journey.

home.

my trip home was full of "excitement." i wasnt exactly looking forward to home, but after that stressful day, i was glad. i have been exhausted the past few weeks and was looking forward to resting...or not. i got back late thursday and jumped right into work friday and saturday in between doctors appointments. today has been so nice, with nothing to do except sleep.
it is kinda hard to believe that it is christmas already. i cant believe my first semester is over. its kinda funny..when i was in georgia, i couldnt remember life at home. now that i am home, my life in georgia seems foggy. i hate that. i wish i could remember everything. i am counting down the days until i return to covenant...hopefully, permanently.
i have missed new york, but not that much. i am turning southern (NOO) lol..i actually expected a guy to hold the door open for me the other day..then i remembered where i was. i am glad for my job, not only for the money, but it also keeps me busy. time goes by faster when your not sitting around your house all day. as for being home..and if its weird to be home after 4 months..i simply have this to say: the more things change, the more they stay the same. This next week should be interesting..work, family coming to town, and christmas :) i am very thankful for the incarnation and what it means to me.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
For unto us a child is born. Unto us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulders.,,

finals!!

i think i am about ready to pull my hair out...finals week has been crazy. i'm not sure what i expected it to be like, but it wasnt this! i am so ready for them to be over, and so not ready to go home. that makes no sense, lol, but it is true. i have had to tell myself over and over again, that grades should not define me. but in a way they do.
i cannot believe my first semester as a college student is over! i survived it. i really didnt think i would four months ago. I have learned so many incredible things and had amazing experiences. :) this was the best place for me, for these four months. :)
on a random note - i believe i was fooled into thinking it would be warmer in georgia than in new york...yeah..no. that is a myth. it is freezing and snowing outside...should have gone to california or some other warm place. they really should tell you about the weather before you get here ;)
3 days till home and i am excited to sleep on my comfy mattress, in a room which is no longer my room, but the guest room. thanks mom, lol. not so excited to work, work, and work. oh well, thats life.

one week.

i have one week left on lookout mountain. i am going to be so hard to leave. uncertainty is difficult to deal with. while i was thinking back over my journey here, i was struck by ecclesiastes 3. "there is a time for EVERYTHING and a season for EVERYTHING under heaven". this was my time and this was my season. God has been so gracious to me.

Thank you all of you who keep me in prayer. It is much appreciated!

the end?

The end of the semester is approaching and i can not believe it is here. This has been probably the best four months of my life. It has been hard and difficult, but life-changing. And as the end of the semester comes, i have wondered if it really is the end. God has been so good to me and faithful, but sometimes i wish i knew his will for my life. Is it covenant or something else? Only he knows. It is very hard to rest in that.

I bought my ticket to go home yesterday, and as much as i miss NY, i will be very sad to leave GA. No matter what happens, no matter what comes next in my life journey, Covenant College and Lookout Mountain will always have a special place in my heart.

change.

If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself.

my life has been very different since coming to covenant. and as much as i hate change, this has been good change. when i left ny, i was desperately needing a breathe of fresh air, not only emotionally, but spiritually. i knew that for the last two years my relationship with god was not what it should have been. coming to covenant and being surrounded by others who are so much more spiritually mature then myself has been just what i needed. i have been encouraged by their love for jesus and how they practically live it out. i am no longer bound, but i am confident in the fact that christ has set me free. i am no longer under the law, but under his grace. without his grace, i would be nothing.

as i continue to wander in a sea of darkness, i am convinced that neither death nor life...nor things present or things to come...nor height or depth, or any other created thing can separate me from the love of Christ.
thank god for his never ending mercy and love towards me.

christmas.

My roommate, Stef, and i spent the whole weekend rearranging our room and decorating for christmas. Yes, i know it is not thanksgiving yet. But in my mind it is already christmas. This weekend has been tons of fun: moving around furniture, having crazy adventures hanging up decorations, and watching movies.

This weekend has helped me understand how truly valuable my time has been here. I will always treasure it. I have made friends and met people that will impact my life forever. It saddens me to think that my time with them might be over soon. There are only three short weeks left in the semester. It has gone by so quickly. I can still remember when Covenant was just a mere glimpse in my mind. My journey here has been so amazing and i truly hope for it to continue. I would appreciate any and all prayers as i continue to trust God for his will in my life.

psalm 30.

1I WILL extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.

2O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me.

3O Lord, You have brought my life up from Sheol (the place of the dead); You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit (the grave).

4Sing to the Lord, O you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.

5For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime or in His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.(A)

6As for me, in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.

7By Your favor, O Lord, You have established me as a strong mountain; You hid Your face, and I was troubled.

8I cried to You, O Lord, and to the Lord I made supplication.

9What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit (the grave)? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth and faithfulness to men?

10Hear, O Lord, have mercy and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper!

11You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

12To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

stress.

This past week I have actually felt like a college student - Stressed! Having two tests and 3 papers due in one week is not cool. Not to mention the fact that i have two more big papers and a debate in the next 2 1/2 weeks. At least there is only 20 days until Thanksgiving Break.

This semester is almost over and its crazy! It seemed like it was just yesterday i was packing my stuff in my room, and driving the 19 hour drive here. It seems like just yesterday i met my roommate/suitemates and friends. I have had an awesome semester. No matter whether i spend all 4 years here, or only one semester, i know that this semester was worth every effort it took to get me here. God has truly used this semester in my life, i feel changed already. I am so grateful to everyone who made my semester here possible, and as pre-registration is quickly approaching, i am praying that God will direct my path.

I pray that i will continue to change for the good, away from the person i was, and into life in Christ. My struggles in Christ have not magically disappeared, but i am beginning to understand how to deal with them. I hope my college expereince will continue to mature me and soften my heart. No matter where life takes me, i know God will be by my side.

..acknowledging Him in all i do, so he would direct my path...

P.S. a picture of me and my roomie at our brother sister hall event:

fall break.

fall break came on the heels of midterm week and one very sleep deprived college student. i went to my sister and brother-in-law's house in VA. it was a restful and relaxing weekend, filled with good food, pumpkins, and family time. i dont think i have ever appreciated a school break, before coming to college. it is much needed, or i would have gone crazy!
midterms were difficult, although not as difficult as i expected. i am very thankful that God sustained me through them, especially those i could not thoroughly think through. i am happy with all my grades, although i know i could have done better on one. i just am praying for clear thinking, especially during finals.
i would appreciate all your prayers for my future, next semester. i am trying very hard to rest in God's faithfulness. i am finding it is not easy. but i trust that whatever happens, it will be his will for my life. :)

so thankful.

In the midst of trials and anxiety, i am so thankful. God has done great things in my life!

• He has allowed me to be at a school that i love with all my heart
• He has relieved the pain of headaches during the day
• He has given me willpower to not only get off medication, but take this diet seriously. Even when i dont think i can do it, He gives me strength.
• He has given me family that loves me and new friends :)
• Every breath is a gift, and i am so thankful.

"You have turned mourning into dancing...to the end may my heart sing praise to you." (Psalm 30)

why?

tonight i am wondering why. this question may seem so vague, and it is but i cannot seem to grasp the why's of life. i feel sometimes as if i am living a rerun of a very bad tv show and i want desperately to change the channel. but i can't find the remote. ok, so corny analogy, but its true. if only we could understand the big picture, life would make so much more sense. if only i could understand why i am to endure so much pain, my life would become crystal clear.

but i cant. i'm not God. this realization keeps smacking me in the face. and i HATE it. i cant do anything to change. i thought coming to covenant would fix all my problems, but in reality, its only brought more of them to light.
do me a big favor and pray for me. :)

kilter.

I had an awesome time at kilter. Kilter is basically a sadie hawkins dance. My roommate and one of my suite mates asked three guys and we went together. It was held at the downtown children's museum. We went out to dinner before hand at a pizza place (did not compare to NY pizza though!) and then we headed to the museum. I was a bit claustrophobic with all the people, and being in a skirt did not help any ;) It was nice to just have a night off the mountain, doing something different.


I cannot believe that i have been here a month already! This semester is flying by and i cannot believe it. They say that these are the best days of your life, and i want to cherish them. I feel like they are slipping away so fast sometimes and i do not have a chance to fully appreciate them. Sometimes i just have to remind myself to just stop and breathe and enjoy the moment. These days wont be here forever.

Something New.

I used to hate trying new things. New food, new clothes, new ideas, new places - they frustrated me. Before coming to college i resolved to try at least 3 new things. Tonight, i tried my first. Ballroom dancing. I have never danced before in my life. So i signed up for the ballroom dancing club. I was so excited to go. My suitemate and i went and it was SO much fun. It was relaxing and just fun to learn steps and enjoy the music. I know i did not fully learn the swing dance or the waltz but it was just fun to be there and to participate.
This is one reason i love covenant. There are so many things to do and areas to grow and experience new things. Since being here i've done things i would never do in NY: go walking in the rain, put on face paint and cheer on the Scots at games, ask a guy(s) to Kilter and find a costume for the dance. All these things are out of my comfort zone, but i am excited to experience them again and even more..

he is faithful.

Why is it so difficult to believe that God is faithful? 3 times over the course of college decisions, i told myself i was NOT going to covenant college, and each time, God did something incredible in my life that made me change my mind. Why then, can i not convince myself that if he was faithful before, he will be faithful again? Financial struggles, stresses, and my ever so present migraines, consistently weigh me down. I often think to myself that God is abandoning me, but truth be told, it is me who abandoned him. if only i could know the future, know for sure that covenant is a part of it. but i cant. only he knows for sure whether i am to be here next semester, or elsewhere. whether this was to be just a short season of my life, or a long one. but whatever the case, i MUST rest assured in the promise he made in philippians..
...for I will supply all your needs....

freshman orientation is over!!! :)

Well, i have been at college a little over a week now and it almost feels surreal. Every time i walk by the beautiful buildings or look at the mountains in the distance, i almost feel like i'm dreaming! Lookout Mountain is a gorgeous place!! If you have to go to college, i would recommend coming here :)Even though orientation week was rough, and i was definitely glad when it was over, i see how each step and each part had a reason. I got to meet people i probably would never have talked to, i got to see downtown chattanooga (and eat a really cool place!), i've gotten to experience different styles of worship in local churches. And then came the classes...
I walked into covenant with an expectation of how college classes would be - hard, boring, and never-ending homework. I can now see how i was wrong and right. They are hard, no doubt, but only once or twice have i truly been bored. And, yes, there is that pile of never ending homework..but its ok to take a study break or put something off till tomorrow. It doesnt all have to be done in one evening.
I have been a little homesick, here and there, mostly b/c its so different down here. I miss the north. Everyone here has an accent. EVERYONE. i feel left out. :) Everyone says ya'll and smiles and holds doors for you...i'm kinda like "Where am i???" But i have been so busy that i havent had time to dwell on missing home. i know i will be glad visit and see my family, i do miss them all. :)
Today was very exciting for, because i was able to pay the accounting office my bill, in full. I was so excited!! :) its just amazing to see what God has in store for me this semester and next. i hope to be a faithful steward of what he has provided for me.

a week of goodbyes.

This week has been a crazy week as far as emotions go. I have been excited for college ever since i knew for sure where i was going, but this week has hit me hard. As i started packing, i stopped to think how life was going to change and how life was going to be different. I felt sad as i started to take down posters, calendars, bulletin boards, and pictures. My room looks so empty. But as it is a reminder that this part of my life is coming to a close, it is also a reminder of a new beginning. I felt sad saying goodbye to people at my jobs, and even leaving the jobs. I will most definitely miss my home and Long Island and the people who live here and make it home. And the food..i will miss that the most : ) Yet i am excited to make new friends, make new relationships, experience a different culture and hopefully come home a new person. I truly hope college will change me for the better, that it will make me a more intelligent, wise, and sensitive person.
So while i may be saying goodbye to new york, i will always remember and cherish this part of my life.

Thankful.

things i'm thankful for on this cloudy sunday morning,

- the fact that i have enough to pay for first semester, and then some (thank you, GOD!)
- the fact that i have a job that provided me with money to pay for school AND that wants me to come back and work during christmas break
-the fact that my wonderful parents continue to provide for me
-the fact that my neurologist FINALLY found a medication that is helping me sleep at night!!!! :)
-the fact that even when your not faithful, god is always faithful

praise god from whom all blessings flow.

A finished book and few extra thoughts.

I finally finished "Why college matters to God." All around, it was a decent book. Like any book, it grew a little boring in the middle, but picked up again towards the end. Rather than bore you with all the details, i'll just share the one key factor i took away from it. The purpose of a Christian liberal arts school is to train and raise up educated Christians who are ready to become an agent of redemption in a fallen world. I pray that Covenant will be this place for me, that it will provide with an outstanding education, and that i will leave college prepared, not only for the working world, but as a stronger and more mature person. Now the only thing left for me to do is write my paper...

As August 20th quickly approaches, my emotions are going up and down. I am ecstatic to be going to Covenant, but i am nervous and scared to be going so far from home. Yet on the other hand, being so far from home gives me this thrill of excitement and wonderful sense of independence. I miss high school and the people i knew there, but on the other hand i am ready and excited to meet and develop new friendships. I am very nervous about the classes and the workload and will i be able to handle it? But most of all, above all of those, i am worried about my migraines. This summer has been one of the worst testing times, since i first began with my migraines 8 years ago. Will i be able to handle the work and my migraines? Will i be able to sleep and deal with a lack of sleep?
And the most burdening question of all: Will i be able to afford to return to covenant in the spring semester?

"Do not worry about tomorrow..."

Pink, pink, and more pink: shopping for college, round #2

Today, Chris's old bedroom officially transformed into my college stuff room. It is quickly filling with all the stuff i cannot wait to take to covenant with me : ) After much deliberating, i finally settled on a comforter that i really love!



Now that i had that settled i could really get on with my list. I am starting to get used to all the pink, but only a little...that little part inside me still loves blue and green.


sheets & blanket

black curtains to keep the sun out!


more storage...pink storage : )


my Brita for the 8 or so cups
of water i have to drink each day..


my "bookbag" (pink!)



school supplies (yeah, i guess at college you do have to do some work... ; )

Excitement, nervousness, and anxiousness, are all beginning to set in as the start of college is closing in. Less than a month to go. And perhaps, just perhaps, just a tiny bit of sadness...

Shopping for college..Round #1

So my roommate and i decided that our room colors were going to be black, white, and pink. Now if you know me well enough, you know that pink is NOT my color! however, i am adjusting to the idea of having a pink room and starting to enjoy it. (i'm going for hot pink, almost reddish pink, none of that pale pink for me!) perhaps college will make me more "girly" and less "dreary" : )

my textbooks (probably wont be so excited about that in a month..)


laundry..


towels : )


a light, which is pink!


organization (yeah right!)

Pen or Pencil? A Book Review Pt. 1

I've begun reading my assigned book Why College Matters to God and have found it to be more interesting than expected. The author Rick Ostrander brings to light several points about college that I had not thought about before. He opens by discussing what a worldview is, how one formulates one, and what purpose a college should take in shaping it. He makes the point that no matter where you go to college your worldview will be shaped. However, Christian colleges should take a different part in that then secular universities. He says that, "The purpose of a Christian college is not to hand you a complete Christian worldview on a platter; rather, it's to start you on the process of developing a comprehensive, coherent, yet dynamic Christian worldview."
His most interesting point came later in that chapter. He used crossword puzzles as a means to illustrate how students at Christian colleges mostly come with their worldview written in pen. He says they come from churches, families, and schools that encourage them to "fill in" their worldview with pen. However, he suggests that the wise students will use pencil when constructing their worldview. They will be willing to erase and rewrite. He says one purpose of a Christian education is to help you figure out which parts of your worldview are open to revision, and which are not.
As i reflect on my own "worldview" I fear I have used too much pen and not enough pencil. I only hope that i will be be able to keep an open mind, yet still hold on to those things i know to be true.

Learning.

A couple days ago, i received my first real college assignment in the mail. We are supposed to read the book Why College Matters to God by Rick Ostrander and write a reaction paper. My first gut reaction was to groan and sigh and think "school just ended, why more work?" But as i thought about it some more i became excited at the possibilities, Yes, i do just want to go to college for the fun and the friends, but there is a part of me deep down that really wants to learn.
I know the process to becoming a good teacher takes three steps: 1. learning 2. serving 3. transforming
And as i see that take place in my life, i will see it take place in my students as well. The prospect of that makes all the work worth it. But for now, i am learning, and if i am a good teacher, i will be forever learning.

Grateful.

Today I am feeling very grateful to those who have given me money over the past couple months. Combined with other gifts i am receiving, god has provided a way for me to attend covenant this fall. i have the money for the first semester! this first walk of faith was not easy, but the next will be even more difficult. i am just clinging to the hope that where he wills, i will be. whether covenant, or suffolk :) or just home, he will provide.
Meanwhile, i continue to work, work, and work. it is tiring, but i know my reward will be in august when i get to meet all the awesome people at covenant and have an awesome year!

the beginning..

so, the last few months, while i've been struggling with my decision with college, i've kept a journal of all my feelings and thoughts. but i kinda got tired of writing, and thought it would be interesting to blog instead. i thought it would be cool to go back in a few years and see what i thought about college. i started writing in april, when i had no clue where god wanted me or where i was supposed to be. but, after i went to covenant, for the weekend i knew it was the place i was supposed to be. however, it was just a matter of finances. after talking with friends and family, i decided to take the biggest step of faith i've ever taken and say yes to a school i cannot afford - and probably will never be able to afford. but god is faithful and sovereign and his will his own, not mine.
meanwhile, i am excited for school in the fall! my roomate and i have talked through facebook and i have "met" several other people who will soon become my classmates. i was very sad when high school ended, but i am even more excited for college to begin! : )