restlessness.

when i was in the midst of the craziness of the semester - papers, tests, studying, extracurricular activities, work, and friendship - i craved silence. i craved a quiet moment to halt everything i was doing and just be.

 but then the semester ended, full of way more emotion than i expected, and all was quiet. and suddenly, i craved the noise. i longed for a schedule, for the pages of my planner to be full. i found i don't really like the quiet because it allows me too much time to think and to be alone. the inner turmoil of the workings of my heart were at the forefront of my brain. i realized that i used the craziness and the noise to tune out those restless feelings.

 but for the last two weeks, with enough moments of quiet solitude to last me a couple years, i haven't been able to tune it all out. i've had to face my insecurities and my fears. and it sucks. i like to blame all my problems on my surroundings. thinking that if i leave one place and go somewhere else, then suddenly all my problems would go away. i was surprised when they never did - when my problems seemed to be able to chase me down wherever i was.

and then it hit me.
 the problem isn't my surroundings.
 the problem is me. 

and so the feelings of restlessness continue, in silence, as i desperately try to drown them out with whatever noise i can find.