restlessness.

when i was in the midst of the craziness of the semester - papers, tests, studying, extracurricular activities, work, and friendship - i craved silence. i craved a quiet moment to halt everything i was doing and just be.

 but then the semester ended, full of way more emotion than i expected, and all was quiet. and suddenly, i craved the noise. i longed for a schedule, for the pages of my planner to be full. i found i don't really like the quiet because it allows me too much time to think and to be alone. the inner turmoil of the workings of my heart were at the forefront of my brain. i realized that i used the craziness and the noise to tune out those restless feelings.

 but for the last two weeks, with enough moments of quiet solitude to last me a couple years, i haven't been able to tune it all out. i've had to face my insecurities and my fears. and it sucks. i like to blame all my problems on my surroundings. thinking that if i leave one place and go somewhere else, then suddenly all my problems would go away. i was surprised when they never did - when my problems seemed to be able to chase me down wherever i was.

and then it hit me.
 the problem isn't my surroundings.
 the problem is me. 

and so the feelings of restlessness continue, in silence, as i desperately try to drown them out with whatever noise i can find.

anxiety.

the anxiety has set in again. so many unknowns. so many steps i need to take, but i am unable to see what is coming next. i repeat over and over to myself every day "do not be anxious for ANYTHING" but i still feel anxious. my nights are full of insomnia and i wake up feeling sick every morning. "do not be anxious" - it doesn't stop me from worry or the desire to know what is next. "let your requests be made known to God" - so i pray....but i still feel anxious.

satan loves attacking me where he knows i am weak. and anxiety is my weakness. i love to plan, i like to know what is coming next. and when i don't, i struggle. "By faith Abraham..." why can't i be more like him when i face unknown decisions? why can't i think more like Paul when i struggle to trust God to give me the money to pay for college? why can't i seem to "trust in the Lord with all my heart?"

and then i read psalm 34 this morning before church and a verse jumped off the page:
"But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing." It does not say they won't be anxious or worry. No. But they seek the Lord. So as i seek the Lord during the period of so many unknowns, i trust that God loves me. and if he loves me, he will do what is best for me. and if he will do what is best for me, why do i worry? why am i anxious? because the reality is i am human. because satan tempts me. God loves me despite my anxiety. as i seek to know Him better and to love Him more, i am slowly able to let the anxiety go a little at a time.

I would appreciate prayers, especially financially, this semester. That God would provide and would give me the peace that passes ALL understanding. That his will for this summer and next year would be made crystal clear.
To him that is able to do exceedingly more than we could ask or imagine, to him be the glory forever and ever.