regrets?

do you have any regrets? anything you desperately wish you could go back and change. i sure do. sometimes it is as simple as words i speak, while other times it is actions or important decisions made. while still struggling as to whether or not staying here this semester is beneficial for me and my health, i wonder about regrets. if i left here, would i regret it? some things can never be changed. i cant go back to high school and change things, and i wont be able to reverse any decisions i make about my life right now.

if god is omniscient and omnipresent and if he holds my life in his hands, why should i have regrets? if he has placed me in the right place at the right time, why am i plagued with the thoughts i made the wrong decision?

sometimes i realize just how much evil is present in my life. i am learning to recognize satan's deceptions. but just because i know they are there, doesnt mean i can easily ignore them. i know satan wants me to second guess everything i do, everything i say. he wants me to regret decisions in the past and allow that to take hold of me. but i dont want to let him. letting go of all your past mistakes, regrets, and hurts takes a long time and a lot of work. and satan will try everything he can to stop me from letting go of it all; slowly letting go of regrets is a lot easier said than done. but greater is HE who is in me, than he who is in the world.

be still.

this semester, and particularly this week, have been rough. a lot is going on in my life, and sometimes i feel like it is out of control. so today, i decided to go on a walk on one of the trails, by myself, and think and pray about everything. it was the perfect weather for a walk, but i did not want to be alone with my thoughts. i tried everything i could to distract myself, but eventually had to face them. i sat and talked to God and everything was quiet. the only noises were from the wind and the stream. it was still. right after coming back, i found out that one of the things i had prayed for had been answered. it was so awesome to be reminded that God does answer prayer. but sometimes he asks us to wait.

be still and know that He is God.

very very blessed.

i am beyond blessed to be at covenant. i am beyond blessed that covenant even exists. this week has made me realize how much i love and appreciate EVERYONE who sustains this college, their mission, and my learning. i will never have a chance quite like this one, ever again. a chance to learn, and be taught. a chance to make life mistakes and learn from them. a chance to love and be loved. and most importantly, a chance to see myself as a true daughter of God.

covenant is by no means perfect. i have seen many of the imperfections. but God is blessing the work of his people who are diligently serving him, here on this small mountain in georgia. i spend too much time sitting around wondering what will happen if i cannot come back next year. but instead of wasting my time worrying, i am learning to live in the present and enjoy the time God has blessed me with, here in this amazing place.

this semester has had an especially rough start, but i am so happy here. i am so thankful for everyone who is a part of my life - my friends, my professors, the administrators here - they are who make my covenant experience. i am so thankful and will never forget this experience for the rest of my life.

convictions.

i have been feeling really convicted lately. as i have read through the book of john, words just keep jumping out at me. i feel as though God is speaking to my heart directly. its the weirdest feeling. i just thought i would share some of my thoughts with you.

- the first thing john does is to declare to the world that christ made everything. he sustains life. i often forget this, i think i can do it all on my own, but i cant. "without him was not even one thing made"
- we are his children.
-jesus cares for everyone. he loved those that were unlovable. he cared for those who were outcasts. how often do i stop to remember that those people i find weird or strange are made in god's image, and they too are his children? not often.
- we often tend to accuse and call out others about their sin. but how often do we stop and analyze our own? "let any one who is without sin, throw the first stone."
-jesus allows us to go through trials and temptations and pain in order for his glory to be manifest. i am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my physical pain is a tool in proclaiming the love of christ through me. it is a difficult thing to think about. it requires me to not be selfish and to think of others who are going through more pain than i am. i am not that bad off. i need to learn to "do everything without grumbling or complaining, so that i might become a child of god, blameless and true."
-i need to learn how to love. loving someone does not mean getting my own way, but putting their interests in front of my own. this is SO hard! we are selfish human beings, me especially. but loving, means being a servant and "washing their feet." it means loving others as Christ has loved me. by this may all men know i am HIS disciple.

well, thats a mouthful, but its what has been happening in my heart. none of this is easy, but each day brings new challenges and joys. its about dying to myself and allowing christ to perfect me.

so on this day of prayer, my hearts prayer is a familiar one:
"The Lord is my shepherd, i will not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads my beside cool waters, he restores my soul. he leads me in paths of righteousness for his namesake. even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil. for you are with me. your rod and staff comfort me. you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil, and my cup overflows. surely goodness and mercy will follow all the days of my life and i dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen.

winter night.

currently, my life is like a winters night. darkness engulfs me, but there is light. it may be distant and seem so far away, but its really a lot closer than it looks. it only takes 20 minutes to get to Chattanooga from lookout mountain, but it sure seems a lot longer when looking at it from up here.
i have so many ambitions, hopes, and dreams, but it seems like i will never get there. but the more i look at it closely, the more i see that i am simply on the road that is taking me there, and it is closer than i think. i dont know that i will ever be able to succeed in everything i want to do. i only hope to hear him say "well done, good and faithful servant."

"even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me."