discouraged.

this christmas season has been discouraging, to say the least. my semester at covenant was awesome, but i was not looking forward to coming home. first, because i was not sure if i would be back, and second because i remembered life at home, and was dreading it. coming home i realized not much has changed. its depressing and lonely here...its like a spiritual hell. i came back and quickly resorted to being the person i was before i had left - and i hated myself for it. i came home for christmas mainly to work. i thought i would have the chance to make some money, and perhaps it would provide me a way to return to covenant. they began to call me and ask me if i could work, right away. i was happy. but then the calls stopped coming and they resorted to scheduling me one day a week. not only is this depressing becuase i dont have the chance to make money, but it is also discouraging to sit around the house all day. i have cabin fever, and that is not a good thing.

two months ago when i thought about next semester, i just told myself not to worry about tomorrow. but when tomorrow becomes today and reality sets in, i start to worry. what if i have to come back here and live at home? i dont think i have the patience for that. i am going crazy during a 3 week break. i know god wont give me any more than i can handle, but that seems impossible. i've needed covenant and the changes it has brought me. god won't take that away from me, will he?

i am getting awfully tired of hearing how god can provide and he knows everything. i know in my heart that this is true, but when you try to live it out its not as easy as all that. i tire of the sermons that often follow my comments about next semester. i DO pray and i DO let my requests be known to him..but is he listening to me???? i almost feel as if he is keeping me from working as if to say "you dont believe in me and are trying to do this yourself." it makes me feel helpless. i am helpless. i cannot do anything about next semester...all i can do is wait. my patience and nerves are frayed and i wonder if God will come through for me. it has discouraged me.

i rarely struggle with depression, but thanks to my medicine it has lately been a huge struggle of mine. not only am i struggling with my future, i also wonder why god has allowed me to be in pain for so long. this christmas season marks 8 years of my fight with pain, doctors, and medicine. i am tired, i am weary. i want it to all be over. but its not that easy. every problem needs a medication, every medication has a side effect, every side effect has a long term result. there are days i wake up and think "i just cant do this today." but i do. god has been gracious in giving me strength, but i just want to be done..i want the pain gone.

i wish i could understand his plan for my life...i wish i could see into the future. but i can't. the only surety i have in life is the rising and setting of the sun.

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

Pray for me as continue on this journey.

home.

my trip home was full of "excitement." i wasnt exactly looking forward to home, but after that stressful day, i was glad. i have been exhausted the past few weeks and was looking forward to resting...or not. i got back late thursday and jumped right into work friday and saturday in between doctors appointments. today has been so nice, with nothing to do except sleep.
it is kinda hard to believe that it is christmas already. i cant believe my first semester is over. its kinda funny..when i was in georgia, i couldnt remember life at home. now that i am home, my life in georgia seems foggy. i hate that. i wish i could remember everything. i am counting down the days until i return to covenant...hopefully, permanently.
i have missed new york, but not that much. i am turning southern (NOO) lol..i actually expected a guy to hold the door open for me the other day..then i remembered where i was. i am glad for my job, not only for the money, but it also keeps me busy. time goes by faster when your not sitting around your house all day. as for being home..and if its weird to be home after 4 months..i simply have this to say: the more things change, the more they stay the same. This next week should be interesting..work, family coming to town, and christmas :) i am very thankful for the incarnation and what it means to me.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
For unto us a child is born. Unto us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulders.,,

finals!!

i think i am about ready to pull my hair out...finals week has been crazy. i'm not sure what i expected it to be like, but it wasnt this! i am so ready for them to be over, and so not ready to go home. that makes no sense, lol, but it is true. i have had to tell myself over and over again, that grades should not define me. but in a way they do.
i cannot believe my first semester as a college student is over! i survived it. i really didnt think i would four months ago. I have learned so many incredible things and had amazing experiences. :) this was the best place for me, for these four months. :)
on a random note - i believe i was fooled into thinking it would be warmer in georgia than in new york...yeah..no. that is a myth. it is freezing and snowing outside...should have gone to california or some other warm place. they really should tell you about the weather before you get here ;)
3 days till home and i am excited to sleep on my comfy mattress, in a room which is no longer my room, but the guest room. thanks mom, lol. not so excited to work, work, and work. oh well, thats life.

one week.

i have one week left on lookout mountain. i am going to be so hard to leave. uncertainty is difficult to deal with. while i was thinking back over my journey here, i was struck by ecclesiastes 3. "there is a time for EVERYTHING and a season for EVERYTHING under heaven". this was my time and this was my season. God has been so gracious to me.

Thank you all of you who keep me in prayer. It is much appreciated!

the end?

The end of the semester is approaching and i can not believe it is here. This has been probably the best four months of my life. It has been hard and difficult, but life-changing. And as the end of the semester comes, i have wondered if it really is the end. God has been so good to me and faithful, but sometimes i wish i knew his will for my life. Is it covenant or something else? Only he knows. It is very hard to rest in that.

I bought my ticket to go home yesterday, and as much as i miss NY, i will be very sad to leave GA. No matter what happens, no matter what comes next in my life journey, Covenant College and Lookout Mountain will always have a special place in my heart.