restlessness.

when i was in the midst of the craziness of the semester - papers, tests, studying, extracurricular activities, work, and friendship - i craved silence. i craved a quiet moment to halt everything i was doing and just be.

 but then the semester ended, full of way more emotion than i expected, and all was quiet. and suddenly, i craved the noise. i longed for a schedule, for the pages of my planner to be full. i found i don't really like the quiet because it allows me too much time to think and to be alone. the inner turmoil of the workings of my heart were at the forefront of my brain. i realized that i used the craziness and the noise to tune out those restless feelings.

 but for the last two weeks, with enough moments of quiet solitude to last me a couple years, i haven't been able to tune it all out. i've had to face my insecurities and my fears. and it sucks. i like to blame all my problems on my surroundings. thinking that if i leave one place and go somewhere else, then suddenly all my problems would go away. i was surprised when they never did - when my problems seemed to be able to chase me down wherever i was.

and then it hit me.
 the problem isn't my surroundings.
 the problem is me. 

and so the feelings of restlessness continue, in silence, as i desperately try to drown them out with whatever noise i can find.

anxiety.

the anxiety has set in again. so many unknowns. so many steps i need to take, but i am unable to see what is coming next. i repeat over and over to myself every day "do not be anxious for ANYTHING" but i still feel anxious. my nights are full of insomnia and i wake up feeling sick every morning. "do not be anxious" - it doesn't stop me from worry or the desire to know what is next. "let your requests be made known to God" - so i pray....but i still feel anxious.

satan loves attacking me where he knows i am weak. and anxiety is my weakness. i love to plan, i like to know what is coming next. and when i don't, i struggle. "By faith Abraham..." why can't i be more like him when i face unknown decisions? why can't i think more like Paul when i struggle to trust God to give me the money to pay for college? why can't i seem to "trust in the Lord with all my heart?"

and then i read psalm 34 this morning before church and a verse jumped off the page:
"But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing." It does not say they won't be anxious or worry. No. But they seek the Lord. So as i seek the Lord during the period of so many unknowns, i trust that God loves me. and if he loves me, he will do what is best for me. and if he will do what is best for me, why do i worry? why am i anxious? because the reality is i am human. because satan tempts me. God loves me despite my anxiety. as i seek to know Him better and to love Him more, i am slowly able to let the anxiety go a little at a time.

I would appreciate prayers, especially financially, this semester. That God would provide and would give me the peace that passes ALL understanding. That his will for this summer and next year would be made crystal clear.
To him that is able to do exceedingly more than we could ask or imagine, to him be the glory forever and ever.

finals week "fun" facts

as i sit here, at my desk, at 1:15 am, i know i should be either studying or sleeping. but due to a sugar high compounded with complete brain fog, i find myself unable to do either. so i decided to blog. because i know your all ever so interested, i thought i'd give you some "fun" finals week facts:

- having a natural disaster cancel finals during the spring of your freshman year makes it ever so hard to take finals in the fall. you live in denial, and the constant glance out your window for a tornado or snowstorm. another snow week anyone?

- over the last 5 days i have spent approximately 35 hours studying, 3 hours taking exams, 6 hours working, and 4 hours cleaning. oh and next to no time sleeping.

- i can't remember the last healthy thing i ate. banana maybe? i have had more cookies, caffeine, and candy than i'd rather admit. there comes a time, during finals week, where you eat when it fits in your schedule, not because your hungry or have anything healthy to eat. junk food is so much more portable than salad.

- it really sucks to study for 12 hours for one final, and then get there and find everything you studied wasn't on the test and everything you didn't study was. no bueno.

- education classes are the best ever! they are like a ray of sunshine in the midst of the dark cloud of CORE classes...

- i am 3/8 of the way done with college, and that scares the crap out of me. really not cool with being a junior. no thanks.

- i love covenant and would never want to be anywhere else studying my brains out and taking finals, but right about now i am in desperate need of a 3 month vacation from covcov.

random thoughts/facts from my very tired and foggy brain. your prayers for the rest of this week to hurry up and end would be most appreciated!

falling prey to idols.

i never noticed before how much i create idols in my life. i used to think that was a sin i would never fall into. i don't have silver statues of gods in my room that i bow to every day. so how could i commit the sin of idolatry? it's because i make things more important than God. simple as that.

we started a new series in RUF this month on the topic of Hosea, and boy has it hit home. the whole first lesson was about learning to lay down idols. here's a few thoughts:
- the church is the bride of christ. he is jealous for the church, like a husband for a wife.
- satan uses other desires to seduce us away from God's love.
- we have rejected the husband who loves us, yet he still pursues us.

the idols in my life are huge. i obsess over them. i long for them. i wait for them to fulfill me, when deep down i know they won't. its so humbling to think that God loves me even though i pursue someone else's love above His. wow.

some questions i have been pondering:
- what tempts me to look for another lover? what distracts me from his love?
- what is my god? what is my idol?

i fail every day. but He still loves me and gives me the strength to learn from my mistakes and look to Him for my love. so hard, but so necessary.

thoughts.

this semester has gotten off to an insanely hectic start. some random thoughts:

1. God is never more real or more evident to me, than when i hit rock bottom.

2. I can do nothing without him.

3. Being a sophomore is 100,000,000,000 times better than being a freshman.

4. I love Covenant, but sometimes I wish I wasn't here. God is using my time here to grow me, and growing pains hurt.

5. Running from your problems - never a good idea.

6. Busyness is not always healthy - but its super hard to escape that trap in college.

7. I am not ready to be a senior. I would be content to be a sophomore forever.

8. I'm still not sure if i want to be a teacher. Not even sure I would be any good at it.

9. I am super excited for Fall break.

10. I find it slightly frightening that the semester is already a quarter of the way over. SCARY.

to be continued..sometime in the future, when i maybe have time.

ends and beginnings.

the summer is definitely over. this is obvious from the piles of books and the long to-do lists that are sitting on my desk. however, as this summer has come to a close, i have been able to think back on it, and realize just how much god taught me this summer.

a few lessons i have learned:
1. what i desire and/or think is best for my life, is not always god's plan. and his plan is best.
2. working with difficult people is....difficult! but god provides the grace to get through it.
3. all of the very difficult circumstances that happened this summer were in the will of god. he ordained them, and to him be the praise forever.
4. friendships are difficult, and take time! they require me to put aside all pettiness, selfishness, jealousy, and anger and put others first. friendships require that you become selfless.
5. pursuing godliness is hard. i will always mess up.
6. personal baggage leads to permanent damage if not dealt with. burying feelings doesnt help anyone and only hurts me.
7. teaching is HARD! but it is humbling, as the children prove to be better teachers than i will ever be.

as i begin my sophmore year, i want it to be drastically different than last year. i want to grow - in christ, in friendships, in godliness, and in maturity. i want to learn to lean on god and to not make marriage or any other relationships an idol in my life. i want to learn to wait on god as he molds me into the christian woman i am supposed to be. none of this will be easy, it will be painful, but god uses pain to mold and shape us.

**i would appreciate your prayers for this semester,financially, emotionally, and physically - especially since my migraines have gotten much worse since being back at school.

a generation that seeks.

it really annoys me when i hear old people (and not so old people) talk about how my generation and the generation after me are so un-christian and lack all morals. yes, i do realize our world has changed drastically since the 1950's and 60's, and yes, ungodly acts are considered normal. BUT what bothers me is that these older people fail to acknowledge the high school and college students of 2011 that love the Lord with all their hearts. comments such as "its impossible to find a moral teenager" or "this next generation has no standards" annoy me beyond no end. in the past year, i have met some of the most godly, moral college students, who find their freedom in Christ. they do not feel the need to hold true to a list of dos and donts, but rather live their lives to the glory of God. maybe we do some things different. we like louder music, we like a different style of preaching, we dont find interest or contentment in a focus on theology, but rather we are concerned about the state of our hearts.

on two very different mountains, in two far away states, i have met and been encouraged by some of the most godly and God fearing college students. some of them have a better grasp of the christian walk than some older people i know, will ever have. today, upstanding christian college students, might be the exception rather than the rule, but what the older christians fail to realize, is there are more exceptions than they can ever see or know.

so rather than focus on what the older generations of christians think i and others like me should be doing, i prefer to focus on my savior and and what HE thinks.

"man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."